Alright, disclaimer first: I don’t know John Finkel, I don’t have any particular fanboyism for John Finkel other than a distant sort of reverence for his accomplishments in a game I happen to particularly like (any indicator otherwise in this article is due to some really quick wiki’ing for factchecks, and the fact that his twitter profile’s public), and while I’d certainly pick up his bar tab in exchange for game tips should he ever drop by and play at San Jose’s Superstars/Channel Fireball store (you can hold me to this, Finkel, on the off-chance you’re reading~), this post isn’t about him except indirectly.

It’s all you, Alyssa Bereznak. It’s all you, baby.

Now, I love my current gig with _____ ______ as a QA analyst, but regardless of how great my coworkers are and the still extant glee I get from the occasional re-realization that “YES I AM WORKING IN THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY,” and the surprising LACK of horror stories to share thus far (though Kurtz/Krahulik/Holkins’ The Trenches is only more entertaining by dint of being directly relatable)…

…Mondays still suck.

But you know what solves the Monday Blues? A nice, large, bittersweet slice of schadenfreude pie. And boy did I ever get a serving of the stuff today. See, today, Gizmodo intern Alyssa Bereznak made Public Internet Mistake #2: writing scathing “humorous” accounts using real names – a mistake compounded by the fact that John Finkel is, in the word of The Scout, “Kind Of A Big Deal” (#1 being: GIVING ANY PERSONAL INFORMATION AT ALL ABOUT YOURSELF) He is, in fact, one of the most famous players of Magic: The Gathering – former world champion, one of the most consistent Top 8 placer in the game’s biggest tournaments, and a lifetime earning in the excess of $300k from its competitive circuit – arguably the best American player to have ever graced the game, in fact. In fact, he is so famous, there’s only one other guy that really stands on the same level, and Kai Budde, the German Juggernaut, probably won’t be dating American Gizmodo interns any time soon.

At least, I hope not, for his sake. What a bore that would be. I mean, seriously. I’ll let Ms. Bereznak’s article speak for itself.

Let’s get this straight: I’m not mocking the poor woman for rejecting a gaming legend. I’m mocking her because all she allowed herself to see was: “this guy’s some sort of card game superstar.” And then inquired no further. She backtracks later, even reportedly rewriting her article a bit, in an attempt to clarify her position – but to no avail.

C’mon. “Dweeb?” “Cautionary tale?” Really, Bereznak? Really? This is the language you’re going to use to “explain” your point? Look, nobody cares that you thought Finkel was a dull date – and if you’d left it at that, who would’ve done anything but shrug? His involvement in this whole amusing farce is almost coincidental, minus the fact that it really is his preeminence that caused such a cascade of internet commentary on your otherwise rote little accounting of a dull little meetup.

Oh, but that’s merely the fertile soil upon which your attitude planted such a seed.

The unfortunate thing is that your attitude is entirely prevalent in the public at-large – and you’re even unapologetic. You later write it all off as “Oh, but we all have our shallow side-” a note, I seem to recall, that was appended only after you were mocked thoroughly by a good chunk of the East Coast MTG Twitterati. But that’s hardly an excuse for objectifying and deriding any geek for the hobbies they have. Nothing – absolutely nothing – in your article indicated anything other than a horrified repulsion at the fact that he occasionally plays a collectible card game on weekends. And while it’s adamantly true that we all have the right to set the criteria for whom we’re romantically entangled with, nothing in that implies that it’s also perfectly acceptable to then post on a famous (and occasionally infamous) blog network about how utterly perturbed you were to find that you were on a date with… gasp…

A GEEK.

See, this is what I don’t get. You spend the first half of your post giving OKCers some rightful crap about being creepy social recluses that start to pant heavily at the mere thought of meeting a girl in real life. You are, in fact, justified to feel quite a bit of revulsion at the obvious objectifying and ulterior motivations that plague just about every dating site on the net – even if it is only to be expected, given the internet’s amplification of baser behavior and the natural gender skew of such sites, it makes anybody uncomfortable.

But then you ruin it all by, well, objectifying the guy you end up going on a date with.

But you must have meant to, protests and backpedaling aside. Really. The person that made Alyssa Bereznak look so damn bad and shallow wasn’t John Finkel, whose response to this whole farce was bemused and modest. It wasn’t the MTG (and, surprisingly, webcomics) Twitterers – who’s merely reacting to the bad press heaped onto you. It was the person that wrote that article. That gave Finkel three strikes for occasionally playing a card game, and quite naturally made friends via a social activity that encourages both competition and cooperation. It wasn’t anybody but the writer of “My Brief OKCupid With A World Champion Magic: the Gathering Player” that made Alyssa Bereznak look like a caricature of a shallow and ditzy west coast socialite, and one who hasn’t yet given up the high school clique mindset. It wasn’t anybody but the very writer of that base little article that seemingly set out to perpetrate the idea that geeks should be romantically isolated and derided for having an uncommon passion and talent – that the sole fact he played a game traditionally considered a geek’s pursuit made him persona non grata, regardless of what else was going on in his life.

And last I checked, that writer was Alyssa Bereznak.

You chose to write from the perspective that having a card game as a hobby – one you were by no means obligated to witness for any amount of time – was equivalent to fingernail biting or having a verbal tic. So much so that nothing else could possibly make you two compatible. At least, that’s certainly the conclusion one gets from reading that sordid little blogpost of yours.

And, frankly? You’re right. You two aren’t compatible. In fact, it’s hard to see how you’re compatible with anybody, geek or nongeek. The impression you’ve presented to the world at-large is that of a young, dumb writer too shortsighted and narrow-minded to see beyond her own pretentious internal constructs of a person and to whom that person actually is. He could be a high-level Poker player (he is) or a hedge fund manager (he is) or a cat lover (ditto), as well as the occasional geek, and you would’ve missed all that entirely by solely relying on your preconstructed idea of what kind of a person a “Geek” is.

Whoops. Your loss.

It is my hope, in a moment of cynically shaded altruism, that you outlive that personality flaw.

Until then, go on and keep serving up some of that schadenfreude pie.

AFTER FRIGGEN TWO DAYS OF GOOGLE-FU I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT YOU CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SET A GIF AS YOUR DESKTOP BACKGROUND IN WINDOWS VISTA. FEELS PRETTY GOOD HAVING ABOUT 10 DIFFERENT SOURCES TELL ME THAT DREAMSCAPE/DREAMSCENE CAN DO IT WHEN ALL IT CAN DO IS SET SHITTY .DREAM FILES AS YOUR BACKGROUND. OH OH, BUT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN .DREAM FILES! WELP, GUESS WHAT? THEY CAN ONLY BE VIDEOS. IF SOMEONE WHO IS READING THIS KNOWS HOW TO EASILY SET A GOD DAMN GIF AS YOUR BACKGROUND (WHICH TO ME SEEMS LIKE SHOULD BE REALLY FUCKING SIMPLE, GIF BEING A UBIQUITOUS IMAGE FORMAT) PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT.
(ﾉಥ益ಥ）ﾉ ┻━┻ I FRUSTRATED.

I think this is probably the first time I had an computer based issue that I couldn’t fix by just googling it. The long story short is, if I want to have this particular gif as my desktop background, I have to find some third party program that can convert gifs to a video format, then make it into a dream file, then set it in dreamscape.
Needless to say at this point I’m thinking “Fuck it”.

Instead I took 5 minutes to find some random loop on youtube and set that as my background.
Although I was raging like the force of a thousand suns while trying to get this shit to work, I’m pretty ok with the end result.

MY BRAIN IS OPTIMIZED FOR TEMPERATURES BELOW 90F.

THIS IS NOT A FUCKING COMFORTABLE ENVIRONMENT.

FUCK IT. I AM NOT PRODUCTIVE TODAY.

this guy wanted to upload some new character pictures for the character lambo.  okay….BUT:

• he makes a new thread instead of posting in the “CHARACTER AND PEOPLE IMAGE CHANGE” thread
• posts a ton of shitty images, implying that they are better than what the character currently has
• then posts a bunch of fanart
• requests for an image to be removed solely because it “LOOKS GAY”

YEAH I FRUSTRATED. mallllllldfkjhturtu8

I might be a bit frustrated at him.

HEY DOUCHE-HAT! Fuck you, you sniveling little two-faced bastard. Fuck you and the August 15th NYT opinions column you wrote! I’ve gotten pretty fucking riled at the conservative side of American politics lately, but you’ve broken my metaphorical camel’s back by way of the shit you somehow managed to convince NYT’s editors to publish!

Those “political propositions” you damn with faint praise AREN’T JUST FUCKING PROPOSITIONS TO THE REST OF US. Those things are “American Culture” to anybody with enough sense to rub two neurons together and actually consider the ramifications of social diseases like institutional discrimination and bigotry! When my parents dragged me from the island paradise of Taiwan to the shores of California at the young age four four, it was in full expectation that their lack of fluency with the English language, eclectic mix of agnostic and Buddhist beliefs and tanned skin WAS NO FUCKING BARRIER to their ability to involve themselves in the Great American Pasttime of doing fucking business. There was no implicit understanding that they’d have to sacrifice their identities to do so, you bigotry apologist!

AND SOMETHING ELSE! Ever since I was old enough to consider the abstracts of the fucking idea, I’ve always considered myself more American than Chinese or Taiwanese. That’s because I was attracted to the idea of a tolerant America. An open and innovative America. An America exactly based on the idea that the color of your fucking skin and the details of your ideology – if you have one at all - was no fucking handicap to being accepted as a fucking American. That is the shape and form and smell of the America I grew up in. The coastal melting pot of Indian food around the block, authentic Chinese on delivery, your best friend in elementary school was black, and your first girlfriend was Irish. The sort of America where a Chinese programmer gets invited by his Mexican coworker to his family’s fiesta, and come February, the Mexican dude munches on mooncakes that the first guy brought to work.

That is an America worth defending, Douche-hat.

So what’s this shit you’re trying to sell to the mainstream press? An America where, whether by hook or by crook, we have to eat fucking macaroni and cheese every lunch? An America where if you’re not in a Presbytarian or Lutheran or Baptist church (and there sure as hell are a lot of different churches – you “real” Americans can’t seem to come to a consensus on your own goddamn religion), you’re scorned and treated as some sort of social leper? An America where if your traditions and values don’t fit some fantasy-land 1950s-inspired White Man’s ideal, you get treated like trash?

Fuck that shit.

That’s not America, Ross. That’s the fucking Confederate States. We Americans handed those cotton-munching sons of bitches their asses centuries ago. We sure as hell don’t want to adopt their inbred fucking stupidity. So fuck you and fuck the publication that agreed to print your fucking drivel. The NYT hasn’t been any fucking good for years anyhow. You want to defend an intolerant, xenophobic and blatantly bigoted America on basis of some specious “wisdom” in the “ease” in which other cultures can get “assimilated?”

Trying assimilating my ethnic cock with your mouth and see how much you like the idea.

And the moment when the so-called “conservatives” were seen for the theological fascists they are – worse, one of the few times when the use of the word “Fascism” is contextually and formally appropriate. Great going guys. Really. Only, not.

But enough of that. I’m pissed off that Proposition 8 got passed in the first place. I’m pissed off whenever its kin elsewhere gets passed, whenever its opposites fail to pass, and whenever asstards from the Newt Gingrich School of Opportunistic Conservatism are allowed to make a mockery of the country’s ideals and win elections off of their ideologically suspect, rationally specious and grossly self-serving positions.

And I blame you, those of you that agree with my sociopolitical inclinations, for allowing them to have gained so much sway over the dumb and unthinking masses.

Actually, to be fair, my blame isn’t solely on those that agree with me. Naturally, I hate you a little less for having what I consider a semi-reasonable mind – a metric, I’ll fully admit, based upon how much you agree with me, or at least are able to articulate logically why you don’t. That’s a pretty universal metric, minus the last part – despite my posturing, I lack omniscience, and am willing to concede that others might have a legitimate counterpoint.

You may thank me now for my generosity. Bitch.

There’s one position I won’t stand down from, though – that of not the right, but the obligation to vote in a democratic civilization. Not the right, but the responsibility to be politically engaged. My standards aren’t very strict on this! As far as I’m concerned, blogging and ranting in IRC channels about your pet political peeves are roughly as legitimate as engaging in debates at your local town hall. Okay, maybe not quite as legitimate, but the vital core is there – engaging your fellow citizens and exposing yourself to the diversity of opinion that afflict even a modest issue like “should we spend tax money on improving the local water infrastructure? The main’s about fifty years old and held together by rust.”

You fuckers online love to rant and complain about how messed up the world is. Liberals and conservatives alike, and especially everybody in between. You act like the political game isn’t any of your business. That whatever shit comes out of Washington isn’t something that’s of interest to you. That the socioeconomic ramifications of getting rid of NAFTA, and its effect on our rather fuckin’ healthy trade with Canada won’t end up affecting how much you pay for your goddamn everything. That not voting in your local elections, not voting for the next president, the next senator, the next representative, the next governor or especially the next chief of police won’t eventually bite you in your ass.

Thank you for adding to the problem, motherfuckers.

Whatever the problems that Hunter S. Thompson had later in life, much of his early observations on politics had the unique fortune of being both deeply profound and largely relevant, even after the passage of time. “Politics is the art of controlling your environment,” said the late gonzo journalist. Unfortunately, it largely seems as if the only bastards that listened to him are the crooks and scum he spent his life largely unsuccessfully battling. It’s the Dick Cheneys and Linda McMahons of this world that gleefully push for lesser restrictions on deep ocean drilling so that they can line their fucking pockets with BP money – the Glenn Becks and Sarah Palins that would incite fear and anger amongst an entire populace, stirring them to violence, for the sole sake of a multimillion dollar TV contract.

And it’s your fault they’re there!

The calculus of democratic politics is brutally simple: the only people that matter are the ones that get to the voting booth. By and large, excepting Obama’s landslide victory, this has constituted of two primary camps: the conservative elderly, and the fiery ideologues. You reside in a third category – Unimportant. Yes, politics is a crooked game; yes, politicians are beholden to special interests for campaign money (and, often, advise on policy); yes, you’re facing a steep uphill battle.

No, that’s no excuse for you to do nothing but bitch about how the world is fucked and everybody’s fucked with it, you used douche bag! Take some fucking responsibility for the reality around you! Learn something about the people making the goddamn policies and restrictions around you! There might not ultimately be that much of a diference between an American liberal and an American conservative, but goddamn is there a universe of difference between one politician and another!

Do you have any fucking idea what the ramifications are to your own sphere of reality if you don’t dabble at least a little in trying to inform your local representatives and local citizens?! Have you any fucking clue what the fuck is at stake here?! When the RIAA’s successfully made ownership of an MP3 file a felony, when your precious fucking internet connection is squelched for insufficient premium payment, when the jackbooted fascists arrests your gay cousin for having a boyfriend then eyes you for sharing the same genetic markers, don’t come bitching to me about how this was all inevitable! You had your chance to fight! You had your chance to rally up in support of sanity and at least some semblance of ethical governance! You had your chance to make your voice heard!

AND YOU FUCKING WASTED IT.

So fuck you, bro. The world is a corrupt and nasty place specifically because you and millions like you can’t give a shit long enough to deal with it. Go off and hide away from it, you fucking NEET – it won’t keep you from getting trodden and stamped into the mud like the rest of the rubes.

Or, if you’ve got any self-respect at all, you’ll pick up your pen and sword, and go down fighting like a man.